The greatest Love
On the plane back to Vancouver after visiting Ireland for a few weeks, I watched “I wanna Dance with Somebody”, I had an epiphany. The trip home was, as usual, complex and layered with emotions, some good, some bad and I was tired and brain dead and probably hungry as I buckled in for the long journey back to the place I now choose to call home. The movie options were limited on my Icelandair flight and I wasn’t expecting to find a movie I enjoyed let alone one that provoked such an overwhelming sense of gratitude and hope. But weird things can happen on flights being caught in that weird in-between time and I’m all for it!
The movie is a celebration of the life and music of Whitney Houston. In the first few minutes we are introduced to her best friend and lover Robyn Crawford and given a glimpse into their relationship and how Whitney navigates honoring her love and her queerness while also beginning to step into the spotlight as an upcoming musical talent. I’m not here to argue about how much of the story was endorsed or true to life and I’m not even going to read the reviews which I’m sure, no doubt make arguments that the relationship was speculation. But any movie that has a hint of a queer black relationship has already peaked my interest and immediately I was glued to the screen. After just coming away from having a difficult conversation with my own father about queerness and acceptance, I felt somehow connected to Whitney and I could only imagine the challenges she faced trying to be herself and move forward.
But that’s not really what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is the moment that I watched her sing “The Greatest Love” and felt for the first time what the lyrics meant. The song was released in 1986 and I know all the words to it, I’ve been singing along to it my whole life but it took 35 years for me to realize that this is one of the few songs out there to expresses self love as the greatest love of all and well, I guess I’m only really hearing it now because its happening to me. I had fresh memories of laughing with my niblings and felt inspired by them me as she sand “Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.” I had my hand on my heart as I related to the lyrics “I never found anyone who fulfill my needs, a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me” and felt seen. My brow furrowed as I thought about how how just existing and going against social norms sometimes feels like a fight and I sang the lyrics alongside Whitney in my head “I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity". I unapologetically cried on the plane and laughed at the same time and probably looked a bit crazy but I didn’t care.
I arrived back to Vancouver, after 24 hours in transit (because I took the cheap route- never again!) my Uber driving was not half as enthusiastic as I had hoped about the final leg of my long journey. But still, I was so happy to be closer to my bed and when I walked through the door, I was greeted by my healthy plants, a clean apartment, a welcome home note and a treat I had left myself. I was so grateful to past Adeline in that moment.
As someone who resisted living alone for so long, someone who previously saw singledom as a state of loneliness and despair rather that an opportunity to get to know and love myself better, I realize that perhaps there was something to be said after all for leaning into this self love thing. I have had so many profound moments of self love in the last few months and they have been truly exhilarating. I hope I never lose sight of this. I’ve been writing so much about it in my journal because, well, who better to celebrate with than myself.
My trip home shook the system a little. I knew it would but I also knew it wouldn’t break me. I felt the need to explain my work situation, clarify my dating status, quantify my sexuality and justify my life choices and this can always be challenging. But for the most part these conversations were a reminder that I’m in the exact place I need to be right now and the alignment is something a have worked hard for and deserve.
The day before I left Ireland I read an old journal from 2010. In it there were bucket lists and plans and dreams. I was amused by 22 year old Adeline who was stressed about feeling the need to figure her life out and I felt so proud of myself for having fulfilled most of my travel, career and relational goals. If only I knew that I had been doing everything right all along.
I read some entries from a time when I was in a verbally abusive relationship. I’m not sure I even recognized it at the time as such but reading through those pages, I had chills. They revealed a lot of fucked up behavior I would not put up with anymore but aside from this, the person used to tell me I was heartless, a slut, childish, in love with myself and needed to get over myself and in a lot of ways, I believed it. After reading my memoir of the whole year cover to cover, I gave myself a little backdated hug and then I laughed out loud.
I know that I feel and I know that I am a good person and anyone who cannot see that doesn’t deserve to be in my life. The extent of the shame around sexuality, not just the queer stuff but actually being sexual and having desires is constant work to dismantle but I am actively working on self acceptance and I’ve come a long long way from that hurt 20something girl to owning and reclaiming any “sluttiness” that was perceived as a negative thing.
This weekend I did a thing: I submitted three pieces of work to the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, one of which was an expression of the pride I felt about my sexuality and I titled it “The Greatest Love”, a love letter to me from me. My application was rushed and I don’t know if my entries were successful but the act itself was liberating. The world will try and pull us apart and its up to us to heal ourselves.
And as for the comment about being childish, I am comfortable with my maturity level and I am passionate about remaining playful and childlike in many ways, I think its healthy. In fact I believe in it more than anything else in the world, so much so that I am making the importance of play into a career.
Since I got back from my trip, I’ve been preparing for a couple of art exhibitions, sending emails, painting, writing, attending school, cooking and reconnecting with my loves. There’s a lot of sadness in the world right now and I’m not turning my back on that but I am allowing myself to enjoy this little life I’ve built for myself, recognizing all the ways I am doing a good job of being the love of my life, occasionally breaking out into song and dance and basking in the ecstasy! I’ve had so many moments of profound gratitude for be able to experience such feelings. And when the doubts creep in, I know that I have many tools to heal. I have a lot of love I would like to share with someone someday and I still dream of a partnership but somehow the search no longer feels urgent. There’s no less cheesy way to say this so I’m I’m just going to lean into it- “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. I’ve found the greatest love and it’s inside of me. Thank you Whitney for the beautiful reminder.
