Out on the land
Here, queer entering my 36th Year
Drag King Debut on day 3 of Out on the Land
I was about six years old when I remember having my first crush. It was intense. The little love in question would finally make a move on me when I was in my early 20s but by then I had lost interest. I remember feeling devastated when my fantasies didn’t play out how I wanted them to and completely high with hope on the rare occasion I got. As a child and an adolescent, I would fall over and over and I felt like something was wrong with me. Both my romance and friendship feelings ran deeply, and truly and I was struggling with figuring out how to hold all that love in my small body. Not much has changed in that department, but I have gotten bigger and kinder with myself.
Ten years later, when I was 16, the boy I liked started dating the girl I liked and I felt like my walls were crashing in. I didn’t really know how to talk about it, so I doubled down on the boy crush tried to forget about the girl crush and then I continued to gaslight myself for another 10 years before I would finally realise the girl crushes weren’t going away. I had started working with the most beautiful girl in the world, I swore the whole room lit up when she was around I and realised that I couldn’t contain the feelings I had anymore and came out as queer to to my friends and family, although at that stage, I was calling myself bisexual. The sense of aliveness I felt from accepting this part of myself is more than I can summarise in a paragraph. And yet, it would take some more time, some more tears and so much work for me to own all of my queerness, to realise that my sensitivity to cupids arrow and my ability to love many people in many different ways was not in fact a defect but actually a really beautiful part of me.
I just turned 36 and as always it has been a time of deep introspection. At six, sixteen and even twenty six, I couldn't have imagined that m I would find myself in a forest in Victoria, dressed as a drag king, as one of the mentors to a group of queer teens and training to be an expressive arts therapist.
As a practicum student, I volunteered for a three day program called “Out on the Land” run by “Thriving Roots” with a group of 9 queer and trans teenagers and they completely blew me away. I was so inspired by the language they used, their ability to recognise the need for community and safety and to get themselves there, their bravery and courage to explore and be honest about their sexuality and gender expression.
With gratitude to the land, we learned about queer ecology, played games, made fire, shared stories of our lived experiences, explored feelings and made art together, all the while growing our sense of awareness to nature, ourselves and all the ways we are connected. It was such a magical experience and I look forward to learning more and participating in more programmes like this in the future.
My trip to Victoria made me feel alive and the good feelings are still pumping through my veins as I download all of the memories and learnings! My younger selves were with me throughout the whole trip and I think I made them proud. Spaces that centre queerness and neurodivergences are so important and I was really honoured to be a part of the team holding space for these wonderful young adults to be themselves. On the last day I heard the lyrics “Be the fire, share your spark” and it reignited a sense of purpose in me; a gentle reassurance that the work I am training for is meaningful. When I returned to Vancouver I wrote poetry and painted in response.
I used to berate myself so much for all the ways I thought I was loving wrong. I used to try and tamp down my sensitivities believing they were too much for anyone to be able to tolerate. Vancouver is certainly this insecurity. But the children and the trees and the land reminded me that it’s okay to be me. I guess a part of me knew that becoming a counsellor would be healing for me as well as others and I’m excited knowing that the journey is just beginning! There’s nothing wrong with my heart, it’s pumping just as fast and hard as it needs to be and I can only imagine where the next 10 years will take me!
