Acrylic on Canvas 20”x14”

The girl I see here is not the version of myself I am proudest of, but she is important. She was tired and defeated and sitting in a deep state of shame and self loathing for the things she did and the things she failed to do. That girl and I have been on a journey together and when I see her, I try to meet her  with compassion and understanding.

The initial concept for the painting drew inspiration the story of Icarus from Greek Mythology who fell from the sky after flying too close to the sun. When I did this version I was in a place where I believed I needed to be punished and i was struggling to find the balance between ambition d recklessness.

The painting evolved over time. I didn’t know it at the time and I removed the wings as my emotions somewhat changed. A certain freedom comes from allowing yourself to get things wrong and really forgive yourself, a mantra I continue to remind myself of as the challenges of life continue to fluctuate. I know that I have always had difficulty prescribing to the rigid, hetero normative script but knowing this and accepting it are two different things. For so long I attempted to force myself into a mould I’m not sure I will ever fit in. The vandalized portrait illustrates the damaging self destructive need to self punish that only brings with it pain. The horns, the moustache, the devilish brows are temporary in the same way self hatred is. I now feel somewhat comforted by the knowledge that a certain state of mind does not have to be permanent and I am finally giving myself permission to grow, to be messy and to not have all the answers.