Black and White
Recently someone close to me, who is white accused me of becoming a racist and a bigot and it shook me a little. The comment arose after I expressed my anxiety about living in a place devoid of people of colour, devoid of the safety I have found from accepting myself as part of the black diaspora and harnessing connections within the community. I've also been vocal about the joy I’ve been experiencing when I'm around people who accept me without needing me to justify my existence—people who support one another's growth and believe in lifting each other up. I won't apologize for this joy.
I always feared something like this would happen. This fear kept me from discussing issues of race, identity, or having a voice for so long. I was stuck in a state of mixed-race confusion, afraid to speak at all. And now it is unnerving to some that I am allowing myself to take up space. I would like to think that I don’t have to defend myself to most people in my network but sadly I’ve found that since I have begun using the words "White" and "Black" more frequently, my relationships with a lot of white people in my life have changed. It's been a pretty painful process at times but I am reminded that the most important thing is that I know myself and that other peoples comments and false accusations do not define my being. My efforts to highlight instances of white supremacy, elevate black voices and celebrate black joy should not warrant such accusations but here we are, listening to accusations of reverse racism. I could write pages and pages of why that ignorance is harmful and untrue but instead I will keep moving forward and fighting for my right to exist, rescue that part of my identity and find safety where I need to.
I was impressed with how I unpacked it. My initial reaction was to apologize and then defend myself but first I stopped and asked myself if there was any truth to those words. I met myself with grace for not always expressing myself perfectly but always coming from a place of love and good intention. I know myself and I know what I am not.
I’d like to conclude this post with a sentence along the lines of “because at the end of the day we are made up of all colours''. But realistically, navigating the world as a mixed/racialized person is never going to be straight forward and honestly some days it just seems impossible to exist free of judgement. I would love to live in a world where everyone is treated equally regardless of their skin colour but that is not our reality. After processing that hurtful comment, I demonstrated the use of the block button and made a phone call of inquiry about an expressive arts therapy program I was interested in enrolling in. I have just begun my training but I aspire to eventually work with people who encounter additional challenges related to race and culture. I want to help others with diverse backgrounds find their voices and express that the complexities they experience standing in the middle of the racial divide are valid and important. I will continue resisting the need to apologize and shrink for other people's comfort and whenever I feel strong I will share my experiences too so that others know they have a right to speak and their thoughts are valid, something I could have done with hearing twenty years ago.
This photoshoot is from a few years ago with a friend of mine at the time. We did really discuss the concept but I think we both knew what it was about. Back then, was no way I would have shared any of these words, I was too afraid to face backlash but now that that word has been thrown at me and I survived, it doesn’t seem so scary after all.
